Do You Play Games?
In my ongoing effort to declutter, I’ve been taking books to the Family Garden in the park and filling the Little Library there. I’m always thrilled when the last batch I loaded has been taken, and I’m happy to fill it up again. 
But on occasion, there are a few oldies I just can’t part with, like my very yellowed paperback edition of Games People Play, by Eric Berne. I recently spotted it on a shelf behind two other rows of books. (Yes, my bookcases are overburdened, no matter how much I try to lighten the load.)
Mind Games
Berne’s New York Times bestseller was based on his theory of Transactional Analysis, a cultural psychology phenomenon he introduced in the early 60’s. I encountered the book years later when it was assigned reading for an acting class, and again just recently, among other text books from my early days as a theater nerd.
Inside its yellowed cover, I had dutifully underlined paragraphs of Berne’s theories with a red 
ink pen. Over the years, several pages became unglued. But they were all accounted for, and chock-full of the kind of mind games that define unhealthy interpersonal transactions (or, in non-psychobabble: toxic relationships).
There are 36 “games” identified in its chapters, spread among seven classifications. “Life Games” include Kick Me, Now I’ve Got You, You SOB, and See What You Made Me Do, among others. These are followed by “Marital Games,” “Party Games” (not the children’s party variety) and “Sexual Games,” followed by three more categories. You can see some of them listed on the book’s back cover.
As a treatise on psychotherapy, the point is to get patients to recognize harmful patterns of mind games that are present in their own lives, and eventually, to learn how to stop them, whether the patient is the player or the played-upon. In acting class, it was meant to help us decode the depths of a character’s motivation.
The book is way too technical to be anything but a slog. But on reflection, I realize that I’ve internalized much of its wisdom over the years. It definitely helps me create more fully rounded characters in my writing, especially for villains like E.B. Odom in The Body Business.
And in real life, thankfully, I’ve managed to avoid—or at least identify and remove myself from—most situations in which I might be feeling “played.”
Fun Games
Speaking of more pleasant games, my favorite is the one I play with my husband almost every day at lunch, when I take a break from writing. As I wind down the morning, he’s making a delicious chopped salad which we share over a backgammon table. We’re pretty evenly matched at this game, and the competition’s friendly. Afterward, I’m refreshed for the rest of the afternoon.
Any kind of healthy game can serve as an antidote to any toxic thought gremlins that invade our tranquility. Lots of people I know play Wordle or some variation of it to relieve stress. Group games like Bridge, Poker, and Mahjong are popular again, too.
It may be impossible to permanently shut the woes of the world away, but there’s no harm in trying to raise the fun quotient for a few moments of peace.
Of course, you could also lose the blues by reading a good book!
When you’re plagued by toxic mind games, what do you do to stay calm?
Gay Yellen’s award-winning writing career began in magazine journalism. She later served as the contributing editor for the international thriller, Five Minutes to Midnight (Delacorte), which debuted as a New York Times “Notable.”
Her multi-award-winning Samantha Newman Mystery Series is full of suspense, with touches of romance, heart, and humor. Available on Amazon or through your favorite bookseller.
I remember that book, Gay, although I admit, I never read it.
I prefer word games but more to rev my brain first thing in the morning than as a destresser. I start each morning with Wordle and the NYT mini crossword. Recently, I’ve gotten into Connections, which is quite challenging. Successfully accomplishing the daily Connections puzzle (not always a given!) gives my brain a huge boost each morning.
As for toxic mind games, I’ve found what’s best for me is to remove myself from the people who play them because they rarely change their behavior.
I agree, Lois. Puzzles are a great way to warm up the brain. I do them every morning with my coffee. I get a lot of satisfaction filling out the blocks on paper, so I’m a rare Wordle holdout. Maybe I’ll try it one of these days.
Such an interesting post. Glad you happened upon the old book on your shelf. As for healthy games, I’m partial to Scrabble and jigsaw puzzles, but I play the NY Times puzzles every day and compare notes with my husband.
Scrabble! I haven’t played it in years, but I used to love it. I imagine the competition at your house must be fierce (in a loving kind of way).
That book is way above my head, however I do know how to cook and do make a wonderful salad for lunch. So as to that game I am not sure if we are even or not. I am going to try to keep winning. We do not keep a win loss record maybe we should 😉
That, my friend, is how to play with someone you love.
For a while I did Wordle, but now I’ve gotten into online jigsaw puzzles. (and of course there is live Mah Jongg).
I remember when my Mom and my aunts played Mahjong regularly when I was little, and I’d sit and watch. The game seemed to disappear for a while, but it looks like it’s made a big comeback. Looks like fun, Debra.
Gay, I wonder if I can find that book on Amazon and if it would be affordable. Such an interesting post. How terrific that you find it helpful in your writing. As for games, I am a game player. Rummikub, Gin rummy, Wordle, Connections NYT Spelling Bee, Spades, Bridge (Party not Duplicate) and I adore Scrabble!
Oh and when I want to de-stress, I play Solitaire 😉
Rummikub! I haven’t thought about that game in a long time. My family used to play it all the time, years ago. Thanks for the memory, Donnell. Yes, there are used copies of the book, some as old and yellowed as mine, and a few newer editions. I was amazed at some of the prices, but my guess is you could find a used one at a lower cost.