In my ongoing effort to declutter, I’ve been taking books to the Family Garden in the park and filling the Little Library there. I’m always thrilled when the last batch I loaded has been taken, and I’m happy to fill it up again. 

But on occasion, there are a few oldies I just can’t part with, like my very yellowed paperback edition of Games People Play, by Eric Berne. I recently spotted it on a shelf behind two other rows of books. (Yes, my bookcases are overburdened, no matter how much I try to lighten the load.)

Mind Games

Berne’s New York Times bestseller was based on his theory of Transactional Analysis, a cultural psychology phenomenon he introduced in the early 60’s. I encountered the book years later when it was assigned reading for an acting class, and again just recently, among other text books from my early days as a theater nerd.

Inside its yellowed cover, I had dutifully underlined paragraphs of Berne’s theories with a red ink pen. Over the years, several pages became unglued. But they were all accounted for, and chock-full of the kind of mind games that define unhealthy interpersonal transactions (or, in non-psychobabble: toxic relationships).

There are 36 “games” identified in its chapters, spread among seven classifications. “Life Games” include Kick Me, Now I’ve Got You, You SOB, and See What You Made Me Do, among others. These are followed by “Marital Games,” “Party Games” (not the children’s party variety) and “Sexual Games,” followed by three more categories. You can see some of them listed on the book’s back cover.

As a treatise on psychotherapy, the point is to get patients to recognize harmful patterns of mind games that are present in their own lives, and eventually, to learn how to stop them, whether the patient is the player or the played-upon. In acting class, it was meant to help us decode the depths of a character’s motivation.

The book is way too technical to be anything but a slog. But on reflection, I realize that I’ve internalized much of its wisdom over the years. It definitely helps me create more fully rounded characters in my writing, especially for villains like E.B. Odom in The Body Business.

And in real life, thankfully, I’ve managed to avoid—or at least identify and remove myself from—most situations in which I might be feeling “played.”

Fun Games

Speaking of more pleasant games, my favorite is the one I play with my husband almost every day at lunch, when I take a break from writing. As I wind down the morning, he’s making a delicious chopped salad which we share over a backgammon table. We’re pretty evenly matched at this game, and the competition’s friendly. Afterward, I’m refreshed for the rest of the afternoon.

Any kind of healthy game can serve as an antidote to any toxic thought gremlins that invade our tranquility. Lots of people I know play Wordle or some variation of it to relieve stress. Group games like Bridge, Poker, and Mahjong are popular again, too.

It may be impossible to permanently shut the woes of the world away, but there’s no harm in trying to raise the fun quotient for a few moments of peace.

Of course, you could also lose the blues by reading a good book!

When you’re plagued by toxic mind games, what do you do to stay calm?

Gay Yellen’s award-winning writing career began in magazine journalism.  She later served as the contributing editor for the international thriller, Five Minutes to Midnight (Delacorte), which debuted as a New York Times “Notable.”

Her multi-award-winning Samantha Newman Mystery Series is full of suspense, with touches of romance, heart, and humor. Available on Amazon or through your favorite bookseller.